Dream Team

Look, 3-on-3 half-court basketball is nothing like the pro game. We aren’t just talking about skill levels. Hoopfest is nothing like the college game or high school game, either. There are passing similarities with fourth-grade AAU ball — most players can’t dunk, many can’t dribble, and there are similar outbursts of rage and tears — but mostly, it’s a way different game. Look at how well Whitworth’s alumni have done in the open division and how poorly Gonzaga’s have.

To succeed at Hoopfest, you don’t need overwhelming speed or range out to 30 feet. You don’t even really need tremendous ball-handling. The court is small enough and the play is scrappy enough that all you really need are unselfish players who can stick to a game plan.

The game plan is this: Pound it inside, look for the easy shot under the basket — and then, barring that, the inside-out jumper. Then you crash the boards hard. Every. Single. Time. While your opponents will waste themselves banging with you and doubling down and dribbling everywhere, you’ll be able to focus on those unsexy things that win championships: defense and rebounds.

Here’s what the dream team looks like.

Andre the Giant

A big guy inside who can make defenses help is key. Your guards will dribble less and their guys will move more. You don’t need a LeBron or Hakeem, though. Shaq or Andre would suffice (as long as you tell them to not call fouls). Why it’s important: 1) The defense will key on the big guy, which will create rotation problems and give the rest of the team room to pick spots and drain shots. 2) He’s around the basket all the time, making second-chance shots easy.

Rudy Rudiger*

Kid’s small and quick enough to play a point guard straight up, but line-backer-y enough to throw a forearm in someone’s back if he gets caught in the post. Why it’s important: Versatility is key to all positions in Hoopfest. Where versatility is lacking, tenacity is a desirable substitute.

*Both Sean Astin and the real Rudiger are 5-foot-6, so there’s no height advantage to picking the actor. Given our druthers, we’d go with the real Rudiger.

George Gervin

You get a quick guy on Rudiger and a big guy on Andre and the plan goes to hell quick. The third guy, then, needs to be able to do a little bit of everything. He doesn’t even have to be completely brilliant at doing anything, just a capable player who can run the point if Rudy’s getting stymied and hold down the post if Andre’s getting manhandled. Why it’s important: The trick to the slow and steady strategy is not being a one-dimensional team.