Fan Service

Maybe his name is Gordy or Larry, or maybe Brock or Brad or Biff. Maybe his friends just call him “Gary the Gut” for the way he crams down nacho handful after nacho handful, ad infinitum.

But whatever the name, he’s a man of singular purpose with a singular message: Go Team.

He’s a whirling foam-fingered behemoth, completely swaddled, but for his bare, painted chest, in Go Team paraphernalia.

With each goal or whistle tweet or collision he leaps wildly, his belly swinging of its own volition, knocking sodas and hot dogs out of nearby hands. He has words for the refs: most of them four letters long, most slurred, many nonsensical. At length — and at volume — he analyzes their sundry intellectual, medical, visual and hereditary deficiencies. To his credit, he’s specific about what the referees need to do, and which foreign implements they need to do it with.

His more profane utterances, thankfully, are drowned out by his airhorn.

Your 6-year-old daughter, lips quivering, looks on in horror.

What recourse does the simple man have against such untamed fandom?

“Excuse me, sir.” You tug gently on his belly fat to get his attention. “Your fervent display of devotion, while admirable, is impeding our entertainment experience.”

“QUIET,” Fan Man bellows in all capital letters. “AH’M WATCHIN’ DAGAMEHERE.”

You wipe the spit-flecks and nacho chunks off your glasses. This man, clearly, is a knucklehead. There are other names — but not around your daughter.

“Knucklehead” is also the phrase chosen by Spokane Arena personnel to describe such… well, they consider “idiots” too harsh.

Knucklehead antics often go unnoticed, Assistant General Manager Matt Gibson says, until the wave of angry Monday morning phone calls.

The solution came from Chad Ladov of In Stadium Solutions: cell phones. In Stadium could offer a text-messaging service, allowing fans to send messages directly to Arena security. Suddenly, everyone in the audience has their own Bat Signal, able, with a few keystrokes, to broadcast their distress.

Text KHEAD <space> [Situation] [Location] and send it to 41513. Example: KHEAD colonel mustard candlestick drawing room.

The advantage: It’s stealthy. For all Gary the Gut knows, you’re just “LOLing” with your “BFFs” about how up-to-date your texting lingo is.

It can also be used to report spills, broken seats and smuggled alcohol. Narcing has entered the 21st century.

Sixty different venues use In Stadium’s service, Ladov says, and post-event complaints have fallen by as much as 70 percent.

The downside? Knuckleheads use this service, too.

“We’re always getting the text message, ‘This coach needs to be fired,’” Ladov says. “A lot of times there are expletives.”