I love working out at Hardcore Gym, even though I am not hardcore, nor a gym fiend, nor actually athletic at all.
Considering I've ruined the main reasons you might have for not working out at Hardcore Gym, it seems my duty to provide you with other reasons to avoid the Mattress Firm-turned-fitness-dojo on North Division Street.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I am not a personal trainer. I have extremely limited fitness experience. And there are plenty of fantastic gyms out there. Please don't base your decisions on clickbait or social media or a lone, satirical first-person article. You do you, boo.
But if you're desperate for reasons not to work out at Hardcore Gym, here's what I suggest.
REASON 1: You want to be lazy. There are plenty of ways to enjoy life, and being lazy might be your chosen path. I say, own it. No shame. Don't let your couch go lonely. Just don't work out at Hardcore Gym. The Wi-Fi password will make you feel immediately unwelcome, and the random sayings plastered on the walls will not inspire you toward your goals. You might be offended by something like, "Unless you puke, faint, or die, keep going" in all caps above the leg press. This is obviously a joke, at least to me, since I'm firmly in the camp of "something is better than nothing," and I consider a workout sesh to be successful if I leave the gym excited to come back. I've gotten pretty good at letting uber-intense gym mottos roll off my back, even though my lats are basically nonexistent. But if motivation isn't your thing, stick to your convictions and stay at home.
REASON 2: You don't want to be strong.
Strength is completely subjective and can be measured in many ways. But if you'd rather avoid any chance of being mistaken for strong, please don't work out at Hardcore Gym. There isn't much space to sit down, lay down, roll around, scroll or lounge. Through sheer proximity, you might be tempted to try out the shoulder press, or the calf raise, or — God forbid — pick up a dumbbell (there are many). This might accidentally improve your mental health, build bone density, help fight osteoporosis, or increase your chances of being able to move your body when you're old, which would be completely counterproductive if you're trying not to be strong. So better to not risk it and just stay home.
REASON 3: You're a toddler.
If you are an infant, baby, young child or pre-adolescent, please do not work out at Hardcore Gym. Leave that to the teenagers, twentysomethings, Millennials, moms, dads, retirees and octogenarians who work out at Hardcore Gym. But feel free to accompany your guardian while they get their sweat on. You can just hang out in the play room and watch people at every other stage of life work out. Don't worry, you've got 80 years ahead of you to join them.
REASON 4: You want to be noticed at the gym.
If you want people to see you while you work out, don't even step foot in Hardcore Gym. You will be demoralized by the number of people who do not care that you are there. You'll feel jealous that people are staring at their own reflections and ignoring yours. You'll be terrified that no one wants to talk to you, or show you a machine, or check your technique, or give a flying kettlebell that you're moving your body. If you need the attention of the entire gym to exercise properly, take your ego elsewhere.
REASON 5: You're a jerk.
I have yet to find a mean person at Hardcore Gym, and I'd rather not. I have only been surrounded by people who don't make fun of my bench press, who don't take up a lot of equipment, who don't care that I look like a troll when I deadlift a new PR, and who go out of their way to help me after a random person breaks my car window. If you're mean-spirited, arrogant, discouraging or a bully, you probably don't even lift. But if you do, go lift somewhere else. You don't belong at Hardcore Gym. ♦
