STAGE ONE: SHOCK, DENIAL
[Opens newspaper, does double-take, spits coffee across table]
Aaaaaggghhhh!!!!
STAGE TWO: PAIN, GUILT
Wait, go back — I'm not done with Stage One.
STAGE ONE: SHOCK, DENIAL
It says here they killed the Pac-12. Really? Reeaallyy... On whose authority? Who kills something so absolutely perfect? So many great athletes, coaches and iconic moments from over more than a century. Where's the NFL supposed to get their killer QBs without the Pac-12? The John Elways, the Drew Bledsoes, the A-Aron Rodgers. No way this is real.
STAGE THREE: ANGER, BARGAINING
Wait, it's everywhere, and other people are as mad as I am. College Football Realignment is the Barbie of the sports world — everybody's talking about it. Now that I've read approximately 12,000 "think pieces," allow me to introduce the villains.
Villains No. 1 and 2: BIG 10 conference bigwigs and TV execs at FOX Sports. Until you greedy homewreckers stuck your noses in our business, we were one big, beautiful family. Happy now?
Villain No. 3: Hey University of Spoiled Children! You Angelenos were supposed to be our friend, but a year ago you stabbed your stupid fake sword in our backs on your way out the door. Enjoy your new rivalry with Purdue!
Villain No. 4: Our own Pac-12 leaders: What were you waiting for before doing, like, anything? You know how Ken's job is "Beach"? Yours was supposed to be "Football." Do your job! Why did we ever trust you? Oh yeah, it was...
Villain No. 5: The university presidents. Close your eyes and picture in your mind a herd of deer in the middle of the highway, frozen in the headlights. But with Ph.D.s.
Villains No. 6, 7 and 8: Finally, the Buffs, Ducks and, sad to say, my own Huskies triggered the call to abandon ship, creating an every-team-for-itself free-for-all. Call it the "Me-First, Gimme-Gimme" System. In the old Pac-12, we used the Buddy System — no flying solo!
The old Pac-12 is soooo worth bringing back. We just need a killer lawyer. Do you think they got everything notarized? People forget to do that all the time. Or we could file a class-action lawsuit. They're seriously messing with our pursuits of happiness and such.
At the very least, we should definitely start a podcast about all this...
STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION
Do I even like watching football? Maybe there are some other channels on TV that don't show sports? I will definitely be looking into that... after one more Hot Pocket.
STAGE FIVE: THE UPWARD TURN
I woke up with a start — a dribble of that sweet Hot Pocket sauce running down the front of my Pac-12 T-shirt. (Paid full price — idiot!) I was dreaming: ESPN GameDay, with the Cougar flag still flying over the throng of fans. Somewhere, somehow, football would be played.
Turns out, the Pac-12's not actually dead. It's kind of how that tree dude in Guardians of the Galaxy grew back from one of his branches after he got blown apart by dirty backstabbers from outer space. It's called the Pac-4 now, and just like Pac-12 After Dark, literally anything could happen. (Side bonus: Pac-4 would look very sharp on an ironic hipster T-shirt.)
STAGE SIX: WORKING THROUGH IT
As I bargain my way to accepting the unacceptable, I'm landing on this: Misery loves company. So I have a message to all you teams in one of those fancy-pants conferences. Realignment is not done — the monster still lives, and while sated after rampaging out West, the world of big-money broadcasting is nowhere near done a-churning. So while you may feel a little schadenfreude watching the likes of Cal, Stanford, Oregon State and Washington State asking, "Brother, can you spare a time slot," know this: It's a cold, cold comfort. If you don't win enough, or dole out too few NIL deals, or fail to get enough people to watch you on like FS3, or even if your unis aren't edgy enough, they'll be coming for you next.
Maybe then, when enough of you smug lot feel our pain, Team Sanity can make its comeback.
STAGE SEVEN: ACCEPTANCE, HOPE
Despite it all, the Pac-12 should be epic this year. So many good teams, and maybe the best batch of QBs in the history of the conference. It's a season-long chance to stand with the Cougs, repping the Palouse and Eastern Washington. Wazzu — the fans, the tradition, Butch — will find a way to keep on waving the flag.
So let's go crazy. Every tailgate excess, every poorly painted face, every ill-advised stadium hot dog — enjoy it all. We righteous few, we still have hope because in our hearts, we'll always be part of the Pac-[fill in current number here]. ♦
