Autumn and winter are filled with holidays that can leave many of us feeling pressured to make each more special and memorable than the last. Even if you're not hosting a lavish get-together, the season can be demanding of time and of energy – both physical and emotional.
No wonder a survey initiated by the American Psychological Association last November found that 41% of respondents said their stress levels rose during the holidays. An even greater proportion of respondents (43%) said that seasonal stress interfered with their ability to actually enjoy the holidays.
Suzanne Apelskog, who runs the Spokane-based counseling practice Life's Learning, emphasizes that stress is not a universal experience with a one-size-fits-all solution.
"It's such a personal thing to each individual," she says.
However, if you feel the weight of the holidays getting the better of you, there are some basic practices that might ease the burden. What's more, there's plenty of research to suggest that the things we associate with Christmas spirit —qualities like altruism, gratitude, philanthropy and fellow-feeling — can be a powerful antidote to stress and the negative feelings it evokes.
1. Noticing the Good
"Human beings are very adaptable. We adapt to the good and the bad," says Monica Bartlett, a psychology professor and director of the Office of the Pedagogy of Hope at Gonzaga University.
"When we think about the negative things in our lives, this is a real blessing," she says, because our innate adaptability allows us to build up a healthy resilience toward discomfort and even painful emotions. "But then, conversely, the same thing happens with the positive. We get used to it."
By deliberately turning our attention to the things we enjoy about the holidays, we can shake off some of the jadedness and rekindle our appreciation for the positive, even if the experience as a whole isn't perfect from start to finish.
"You might have this train wreck of a family dinner," Bartlett says. "But if you ask yourself to notice it, you might say, 'At least I'm getting to see my grandma who I haven't seen in a long time.'"
2. Savoring the Small Stuff
Studies have shown that pleasant everyday experiences can lead to more sustained feelings of happiness than a momentous event. For example, the glow you might get from a handful of satisfying interactions with neighbors, co-workers, store employees or family members during a frantic holiday week can radiate a bit longer than the high from one big party.
"Most of us have what's affectionately referred to as a 'set point' for happiness and well-being, and big, positive events make us feel really great. Then pretty quickly we habituate to that greatness, and life goes on," says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, the science director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.
When mundane but uplifting experiences are "woven into" your everyday life, she says, "there's data to suggest that your set point kind of slowly starts to meander upward. It's like a small, iterative, incremental benefit to your baseline for feeling happy."
3. Looking Out
Paradoxically, shifting focus from your own welfare to that of others — even strangers — has just as powerful an effect on your personal sense of well-being as "treating yourself."
Simon-Thomas cites one study where economically minded researchers analyzed the Functional MRI scans of participants who were given $5 to allocate in one of three ways: keeping all the money themselves, giving half of it to a charity or giving all of it to charity.
The expectation was that the more charitable the allocation, the lower the subject's dopamine rush would be. But the researchers found that's not the case. The participants experienced a positive feeling in all three cases, a finding that countered the cynical assumption that selfishness is a more powerful motivator than altruism.
"Our brains are wired to signal pleasure when we perform an action or a behavior that uplifts the welfare of others. This is one of the primary drivers of compassion as a behavior," she says.
4. Taking Me-time
"Psychological distancing or de-centering," as Simon-Thomas notes, is the clinical term for thinking of others. And though we get a neurochemical kick out of doing so, it's equally important not to forget ourselves in the meantime.
"Sometimes people are on the conveyor belt of staying busy," Apelskog says. "But they're just so busy that they can't see what they need to do." In the run-up to the holidays, with so much extra preparation on their to-do list, people can find themselves even busier than usual.
That's why she recommends slowing down and reflecting on what you want and need. By making a concerted effort to set aside time for introspection — however brief — you can better assess your priorities and determine what's worth the stress and what isn't.
5. Setting Boundaries
Let's say you've taken some time for honest reflection, and you've identified something about the holidays that fills you with nothing but anxiety.
That's where boundaries can be helpful. Instead of spending an entire day with certain family members or friends, for instance, you might agree to spend just a few hours. "When you get around the holidays, people have a lot of 'shoulds.' I think sometimes we get focused on saying 'no' to them, but it's really about what you are saying 'yes' to," Apelskog says.
To keep stress reduction from snowballing into a new source of stress, she encourages folks to be "compassionate and graceful" when setting boundaries — and to reciprocate that compassion and grace when others set boundaries of their own.
6. Leaning On Others
Not all of your reflection or boundary-setting has to be done by yourself. Sometimes turning to a trusted friend or confidant can offer welcome perspective on what reasonable boundaries might look like or how to go about implementing them.
"There's all kinds of techniques out there to help manage the emotions or the physicality of stress," Apelskog says. "It's really about having somebody — a coach, pastor, friend, mentor, counselor, whoever you turn to — help you to reflect a little bit more deeply."
Rather than shouldering responsibilities alone, asking for assistance can be a good way to alleviate stress while also creating bonding opportunities.
7. Being Realistic
One of the reasons the holidays are so stressful is because we want reality to follow our idealized visions of them. Trying to recreate the meal in the cooking magazine or plan a picture-perfect celebration can be fraught with disappointment, especially when we feel like we've let others down. "People pleasing runs deep. But if somebody's not pleased, it's not your responsibility," Apelskog says.
She recommends trying to manage the pressure of high expectations by practicing gratitude and, if necessary, scaling things down to a more manageable level. It's particularly good for adults to model that healthy behavior for children, who can bring their own lofty expectations to the holiday season.
"Kids will remember gifts, absolutely, but most often they're remembering those memories and those times. What's important is what you create together."
8. Finding an Outlet
Much like any other time of year, a good way to alleviate stress during the holidays is by engaging in something you love doing. Some activities, like cooking and baking, might even tie into the season's festivities.
Exercise is a proven stress reducer, too. It's been shown not only to reduce levels of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol but also to stimulate the production of mood-elevating endorphins. Going to the gym or jogging in the park could even give you a head start on some of your New Year's resolutions.
But you don't even need a dedicated hobby to mitigate stress. Something as simple as starting and maintaining a gratitude journal — that is, a simple daily record of things you appreciate in life — can be enough.
9. Getting Together
In 2023, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory about the epidemic of loneliness and isolation in the United States. And the holiday season is a time when lack of social connection tends to be felt even more acutely.
"Humans consider one another to be a biobehavioral resource, and being socially isolated is fundamentally stressful," Simon-Thomas says.
One path out of isolation is through volunteering, which has the dual benefit of purposeful social interaction while also addressing a community need. Whether you ring bells for the Salvation Army or bring a dessert to a neighborhood potluck, a positive biological phenomenon is at work.
"When people engage in helpful behaviors and generous behaviors, particularly when they're physically in each other's presence, oxytocin is released in a mutual, synchronous way. It's a signal to both individuals that they're safe and protected."
10. Giving Gratitude
Expressing your gratitude to someone has myriad stress-relieving benefits — for both you and the recipient. Some conventional forms of gratitude expression during the holidays might be a card or a tip. In Apelskog's case, she wrote her son a poem every year after he was born and presented them to him when he turned 18.
Building on that idea, Bartlett proposes writing a letter — "not a text, not an e-mail, an actual letter" — of gratitude to an individual who made an indelible impression on your life.
"You can send your gratitude to someone in your life from long ago that you feel you haven't ever really thanked or haven't seen for a while and let them know how much you appreciate them," she says. "It's a lovely thing to do for someone, reminding them of their beautiful purpose on the planet."
