Our critics takes their final shots at films that made moviegoing miserable this year

ARGYLLE

It's almost impressive how visually ugly the sad excuse of a film Argylle is. From the obnoxious opening to its cringe conclusion, it's a low point in an otherwise good movie year. For all the twists it throws in as it attempts to be a modern riff on classic spy thrillers, the only thing that sticks with you from its insulting two-plus hours is a headache. The latest from director Matthew Vaughn makes his increasingly perfunctory prior Kingsman films look like high art, which is its sole accomplishment. Taking us into a story about a writer whose espionage novels seem to be coming to life, it's dead on arrival and yet just drags on, stranding both Bryce Dallas Howard and Sam Rockwell in a world that feels perpetually artificial. When the former bemoans how what she's looking at is "deepfake nonsense," she just ends up describing the movie itself. (CH)

BABES

The pregnancy comedy Babes isn't devoid of laughter like some of the truly dreadful comedies that see the light of day, but I struggle to recall one that seemed more oblivious of the privilege of its characters. For Ilana Glazer's soon-to-be single mom character (who live poshly in New York City with no explination), there seem to be no worries about finances or anything of the sort, only that a kid is gonna cut into her personal partygirl life. The best oblique way that I can describe it: If Babes was a person, it would be one of those people insisting that Kamala Harris ran an absolutely flawless presidential campaign. (SS)

BORDERLANDS

I can see how the prospect of playing a snarky, badass interstellar gunslinger might have appealed to Cate Blanchett, but dear god, why didn't someone stop her? It's not that she's terrible — how could she be? She's a screen goddess channeling Han freakin' Solo — but she deserves so much better than Borderlands (and so do we). The height of the humor here is lazy, unexamined cynicism; the depth is kindergarten-level poop jokes — and none of it is actually funny. This is an incredibly depressing example of what passes for science fiction in the 2020s: it's bereft of actual speculation and panders to genre clichés (the unsuspecting-chosen-one trope gets trampled to death), and is utterly devoid of the charm needed to make us overlook its pointlessness. (MJ)

DESPICABLE ME 4

As insufferable as the Minions are, at least there was a time when the horrific yellow creatures were ostensibly cute supporting characters in a mid-range animated franchise. They've long since overshadowed Gru, the nominal protagonist in the Despicable Me movies, and this fourth main installment runs the reformed villain and his unwieldy supporting cast through perfunctory conflicts while creating new merchandise-friendly iterations for the Minions. It's just a series of barely coherent episodes strung together haphazardly. Naturally, it's the third highest-grossing movie of 2024. (JB)

THE GARFIELD MOVIE

At one point a surprised character exclaims "Jiminy Davis!" instead of "Jiminy Christmas!" That nod to the titular cantankerous tabby's creator is a pretty decent joke... but it's literally the only funny thing said in the entirety of this CGI animated cat-tastrophe. (SS)

IF

A movie about imaginary friends should not be this lacking in imagination. Writer/director John Krasinski recruits all of his celebrity friends to be as annoying as possible while voicing various hideous imaginary creatures wrangled by a cloying little girl. The nonsensical story takes forever to get to its basic, heavy-handed message, and IF's efforts at tearjerking wonderment fall flat for both kids and adults. It's a terrible movie made for no one. (JB)

JOKER: FOLIE À DEUX

It's understandable that Warner/Discovery would want to capitalize on the success of Todd Phillips' blockbuster villain origin story and give the creative team carte blanche to follow whatever whims suited them. Unfortunately — and perhaps specifically because of the "problematic" reaction to Joker — the filmmakers opted to make an even more misanthropic and antagonistic follow-up. This movie hates its audience. Joker: Folie à Deux tortures viewers with its tedium, wastes Lady Gaga in what is hands-down the most misogynistic and ill-conceived depiction of Harley Quinn, doesn't understand how to be a proper musical, and sees Joaquin Phoenix bastardizing his Oscar-winning role with a half-baked Foghorn Leghorn impression. The premise of this movie is that the Joker is a phony. If only the phonies behind the camera had more conviction and a modicum of respect for their audience. (JBax)

MADAME WEB

While no one expected Madame Web to be good, it's such a bummer that it's not even bad in a fun way. It's just too much of a drag. The trailer-hinted proceedings might be amusingly corny ("He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died!"), but the joyless script is more tangled than any spiderweb I've ever seen and all the performances just fall flat (casting Spokane's own Sydney Sweeney in such a meek role is a baffling waste). Why I continue to subject myself to Sony's "Spider-Man Villains Without Spider-Man" Cinematic Universe is probably a topic that could take up a whole therapy session. (SS)

RED ONE

The magic of the Santa Claus story reduced to punch-'em-up copaganda is bad enough. (Why does Santa need 24/7/365 paramilitary protection? Who thought this was a fun story to tell?) But we also learn here that the guy who can see you when you're sleeping and knows if you've been bad is among the nicer of the magical entities at work in the world. Somehow this stupid movie — which burned up the GDP of a small nation to produce its ugly CGI — doesn't realize it's a horror movie. It's not a diverting example of the action comedy it thinks it is, either. Throw in the utter lack of chemistry among its big-name stars (Chris Evans and The Rock), and Red One is a big ol' lump of coal. (MJ)

VENOM: THE LAST DANCE

The first Venom was an unexpected delight despite its rote plotting and inevitable — borderline indiscernible — CGI slugfest climax. But those faults were offset by the zaniness of Tom Hardy doing his weirdo accent schtick, plunging himself into a lobster tank, and eating tater tots with unhinged abandon. If only his third turn as the Marvel Comics anti-hero embraced this gonzo vibe. Despite one or two fleeting, transcendent moments of grace, this is a film bogged down by overqualified supporting actors delivering exposition with palpable uncomfortability. I sincerely hope Hardy — one of our best living actors — can return to better material now that he's got the alien symbiote out of his system. (JBax)

UNFROSTED

There is a common criticism about comedies overstretching what could have maybe been a so-so sketch into a feature, but Unfrosted takes the cake in just how egregiously it does this. With painfully unfunny joke after unfunny joke, it's all empty calories. That it's part of a rather bizarre recent trend in cinema of making biopics about products only gives it that much more of a bitter taste. Even as it's a farce, it remains perpetually forced. The product is the Pop Tart and the lead is an awkward Jerry Seinfeld who plays the development head at Kellogg's in 1963 as he does battle with Post. If this sounds like a snooze of a premise, the experience of watching Unfrosted is worse. Seinfeld complained comedy and movies are dead while promoting his directorial debut, but there is no greater proof of that possibility than this dumpster fire. (CH)♦