What exactly did I just watch?
While the history of video games being adapted to the big screen is known to be spotty, seeing the cinematic adaptation of Super Mario Bros. was an incredibly disorienting experience.
First off, for a CGI film this looks incredibly lifelike. I was expecting something closer to the look of the actual video game, but instead we're transported into a very gritty version of early '90s New York City. The artist renditions of our humble heroes Mario (Chris Pratt) and Luigi (Charlie Day) respectively look more like a mustachioed version of the detective from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and — weirdly — the Latin guy from Romeo + Juliet.
Their hardscrabble life as barely working plumbers gets upended when Luigi meets a beautiful young archaeologist named Daisy (Anya Taylor-Joy, though IMDB has her credited as Princess Peach — they must've screwed up versions of the video games). After she and Luigi go on a date, she gets kidnapped by the goons of King Koopa (Jack Black — again, don't know why IMDB lists him as Bowser), the obviously Trumpian-inspired ruler of an underground alternative dimension land where humanoids evolved directly from dinosaurs. (Great! Another multiverse movie!) Mario and Luigi must venture into the land to save Daisy and prevent a merging of the two realities via a fragment of the meteorite that wiped out the dinosaurs.
If that sounds nothing like the Super Mario video games — ding, ding, ding — you're right! One would think in this era of hyper-referential CGI animated films like The LEGO Movie or even Sonic the Hedgehog, ones that appeal to both kids and parents alike, the creative team would've leaned much, much harder into the familiar aspects of the gaming franchise. The power-ups! Traveling through pipes! The kart racing! The greater Nintendo universe!
Instead, this movie actively seems to go the other way. Is Yoshi a rideable pal? No, it's just a tiny dinosaur that sorta helps Daisy. The goombas are no longer little brown tubby guys, but huge dinosaurs with tiny heads. Is the alternate universe cartoony and fun? No, it's a cyberpunk grimefest. Are Mario and Luigi great jumpers? No, they kinda suck at jumping but find some rocket boots. Are there any Toads or members of Donkey Kong's family? Nope! Instead of mushrooms there's a possibly sentient fungus that grows throughout the city (which, spoiler alert — is Daisy's dad?!?). Oh and did I mention the characters' full names are actually Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Really! That's in the movie!
All those unexplainable choices might've been marginally stomachable if any larger aspect of this movie worked, but the whole thing is a bigger trainwreck than when you get hit by a Kalimari Desert locomotive in Mario Kart 64. But the film's reliance on painfully unfunny slapstick comedy and "jokes" that an AI chatbot could blow out of the water sinks the whole package even before the few and far between action sequences fall hopelessly flat.
Anything but living up to its titular adjective, the Super Mario Bros. movie makes you hope Hollywood waits another 30 years before trying to bring Mario and co. to the big screen again. ♦
THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIENick (Inlander Editor): What the hell is this?
Seth: I wrote about the Super Mario Bros. movie.
Nick: No, you wrote about Super Mario Bros.
Seth: Isn't that what I said?
Nick: The new one is actually called The Super Mario Bros. Movie. You wrote about Super Mario Bros., the 1993 live-action movie considered to be one of the worst films of all time.
Seth: ...
Nick: ...
Seth: Wow, look at the time! Gotta head out! End of the day! Gotta go hop on my Car-io! Ha ha, right? Or maybe I'll just ride Yoshi home!
Nick: ... It's noon.
Seth: Let's-a-go!
